What is this nonsense? This rhyme-ridden mess? This Dr.-Seuss-ified tragic distress? Two kids from two families, dead on the floor Because of a squabble about who slammed a door? CAPULET (crying): I’m sorry, Montague! You’re not such a creep! MONTAGUE (crying more): You too, Capulet! Let’s hug and not weep! PRINCE TRUFFULA (shaking his head): A pox on both houses! A sneetch on each snoot! Next time, just use your words. Or a hula-hoop. For this is the lesson, as tall as a tree: Don’t fall in love at a loud, crazy party. (CURTAIN. A small mouse in a wig bows. Applause.)
A Happily-Ever-After-ish Tale of Two Who-zits and a Whole Lot of Nonsense
I’m sadder than socks with a singular hole. I’m glummer than glub-glub who swallowed a coal. For Rosaline-Winifred-Who doesn’t care! She looked at my heart and said, “Nope! Not in there!” MERCUTIO-GOOSE (popping up, doing a flip): Oh, piffle! Oh, poppycock! Snickle-snack-snooze! You’re rhyming with gloom in your oversized shoes! Let’s sneak to the party! Let’s bounce on a chair! Let’s dance till our toenails grow curly green hair! (SCENE TWO: The Party, which looks like a blender threw up confetti.) the seussification of romeo and juliet script
You kids want to marry? Well, how about that? I’ll mix you a potion from a smoozled old bat! One sip makes you sleepy. Two sips makes you snore. Three sips makes your toenails grow right through the floor! (SCENE FOUR: The BIG MESS. A fight. Then a bigger mess.)
What light through yonder waffle iron breaks? T’is a Sneetch! And a glorious Sneetch, for goodness sakes! Her hair is like fizz-floss, her nose like a pootle. I’ll marry this creature and name her my Skittle! JULIET-GAZZ (giggles): A Montague? Gasp! A terrible pickle! My family will grumble and throw a loud nickel! But who cares for nickels? Who cares for a name? A rose by a smell-smell still smells the old same! (They hold hands. A small dog in a hat sneezes. They kiss. It sounds like a “Zoop!”) What is this nonsense
THE SEUSSIFICATION OF ROMEO AND JULIET
What’s this? A dead Romeo? A terrible sight! And he drank all the poison? He didn’t leave a bite? (She looks at his bottle, then at her empty hands.) There’s no poison left? Not a drop or a dram? Well, fiddlesticks, doodle-farts, jelly-bean jam! (She looks around. She picks up a plastic squeaky mallet.) I’ll just have to bonk myself on the head! One bonk for true love! And then I’ll be dead! (She bonks. She falls. They lie there. It is quiet. Then—) Two kids from two families, dead on the
A plague! A big plague! On both of your houses! May your pillows be lumpy! May your cows moo like mouses! I’m done for! I’m finished! I’ve stepped on a rake! Goodbye! I’m off to make glittery cake. (He exits, carried away by birds. ROMEO fights TYBALT. TYBALT falls.)