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The next morning, he walked into the exam hall. Question one: “Which of the following is NOT a sign of myocardial infarction?” Options: Jaw pain, Nausea, Feeling of impending doom, A duck sitting on your chest.

For $19.99, QuackPrep.ort promised a “guaranteed last-minute edge.” What arrived was a single PDF: 200 pages of what looked like flashcards drawn by a drunk toddler. One card read: “Heart attack symptoms? A) Crushing chest pain B) Feeling like a duck is sitting on you C) Both A and B.” Another: “Placenta previa: A) Pizza topping B) When the placenta covers the cervix C) A rare bird.”

Marco had been awake for forty hours. His laptop screen glowed with the absurdly cheerful logo of — a duck wearing a mortarboard, winking. The tagline: “We won’t make you smarter. We’ll make you luckier.”

Marco’s hand trembled. He circled A duck sitting on your chest .

Marco laughed. Then he cried. Then, because he had nothing left, he memorized the duck-themed mnemonics.